Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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