If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
