If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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