If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
