we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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