Swine flu. Run for my life!
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
