She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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