Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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