Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
