i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
