You smell like stripper and shame
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
