Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she told me i tasted like america
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
