Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
