does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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