Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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