there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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