and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
