I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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