I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
