I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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