I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
