my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
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Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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