i permit you to call me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
