Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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