Apparently you make a good broom.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
