Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
