the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
FUCK WHALES
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