Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
