On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you remember whose house we're in?
God I need to hump something, right now.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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