Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
