6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
