I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
