party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
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Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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