Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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