oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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