dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A+ Viking dick
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
