So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think people are normalizing furries
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