i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
