Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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