i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
