Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
