3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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