I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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