wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
