bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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