Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
