Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
