Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
