i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
