They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
