if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
